So, I'm driving home last night, missing the Boy Who Broke My Heart. Yes, we weren't compatible. As a friend pointed out he's probably to blame for my recent, crushing depression (I had everything in order before we started dating). But honestly, I miss him.

There's the hackneyed expression that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. To that I say "bull crap." Right now I feel worse than I ever have in my life and it's all a result of allowing myself to love someone. You may want to take this moment to point out that I'm stronger and wiser, but I'd rather have independent but lonely, thank you. Do I regret meeting the Boy WBMH? Could be, the jury's still out. All I know is I feel worse now than I ever, EVER have in my whole life.

I don't understand how you can love someone but erase almost all traces of that person from your life within a matter of months. I mean, this is the boy who detailed his car for me. The boy who wouldn't let me drink his preferred brand of whiskey because it wasn't good enough for me. the boy who put my plastic meerkats on his amp when he played a show. The fact that I'm out of his life this fast makes me wonder if I ever mattered at all. If he ever loved me at all, or if that was just talk (drunken talk, probably).

And he's been too nice during this whole break up process. He tells me he wants to be friends, that he wants to hang out, that he cares about my well being. When it comes down to is he doesn't call when he says he will, he makes no effort to be a friend. If he had told me to fuck off it might be easier, but he never did. I thought we might be able to try again, but apparently that is no longer an option.

I realize it's a break up and that he owes me nothing, but he's made promises. It's turning out that all promises made before and after the breakup were just empty, probably just to give me hope and get me off his back.

The biggest mistake I've made was letting my guard down and loving someone. The second biggest mistake was loving a drunk and believing him when he told me he wanted me to help him stop.