It's a good thing I was too lazy to go downstairs and grab my laptop,
cuz I was on a tear.

i thought I was doing ok until last night. one thing led to another and
I'm crying. I even tried to take half an ambien to help me to sleep but
it wasn't happening. I was thinking about the drunk and how when we
broke up he said that he wanted to stay friends, he wanted to hang out,
I would have a hard time getting him out of my life as a friend, etc etc
etc. Now, having said that, I haven't spoken to the boy in nearly two
months. I guess it wasn't so hard to get him out of my life as a
friend. Add this to my near-playing a few weeks ago and I'm now, at the
ripe old age of thirty, realizing what liars some boys can be when they
really want something--whether it be what's in the pants or getting a
clean break from you. Or maybe it's just the ones who like the booze.

And this bike is still here. I want to either get it out of my house or
get him the money for it but that would involve some form of contact, no
one is willing to be the intermediary (feeling it would be the
equivalent of taking sides or getting involved).

I'm really slipping, I mean literally going crazy. Literally. If I
haven't already lost it, I'm about 9 volts away from it. I mean it. I
know truly crazy people don't know they're going crazy, and I think that
I'm a little cognizant of the fact means I'm not totally off the deep
end yet, but give me a few months.

I almost text messaged him last night, but I was trying too hard to fall
asleep. I wanted to email him this morning but I'm really fighting it.
I had a crazy dream from all this where I needed to call him about
something he knows quite a bit about. No, I probably won't call him or
text message him. the ball's in his court.

And if you're tired of reading this imagine how it feels to be living
it. Just when I think I'm ok this all happens.