Dear Brit,

Hey. Looks like you're having a tough time lately. Listen, I know how it is, when you feel like no one in the world is on your side and you might as well just give up. And I think I know what you need.

Now I'm no psychologist, I leave that hard work to Dr Gay. I have, however, seen Pure Country on many occasions. I'm sure you're a busy girl so here's a quick recap: George Strait plays a big time country star, Dusty, who gets tired of the superstar lifestyle. He cuts off his signature pony tail, goes to the country, works on a farm under a cloak of anonymity, falls in love with a girl, and, well, I don't want to spoil the ending here.

So here's my idea, Britney: Do like Dusty did. You've already gotten rid of your extensions. Let your mom take care of the kids for a little while and get the hell out of town. Heck, I'll offer you my spare room. Yes, it's a little humble, but you need some humbling. Why not work in a bar or restaurant? Sheeit, you could be totally anonymous. we'll work something out. After all, the lower you fly under the radar the less likely people are going to believe that you've located to NASHVILLE of all places.

You know what else? You can come to roller derby practice with me. We'll find you some skates, some pads, and a helmet. I guarantee that after a few months you'll be one tough bitch.

You're under a lot of stress, lady. You're getting out of a failed marriage and you've found yourself the subject of much derision. It's time to get away from the cameras. Anna Nicole Smith is dead, don't be so quick to fill her shoes.

Sincerely,
LPC

Labels: drama, open letter, pop culture