I guess I should blog about this, but I kind of don't want to.

I skated in my very first derby bout on Saturday night. It was fun, I was nervous, and afterward had a crushing sadness that I'm still struggling with. We'll get back to the sadness in a bit.

I was nervous weeks before. I thought about quitting. I didn't want to go to practice. I talked to everyone. I felt like a fool because after practice I was READY TO GO. Repeated this process about four times. I carb loaded. I ate right, practiced hard, visualised winning. I saw little signs that made me think we were going to win. I even dreamed that we won, although the whole thing was very disorganized and most jams were short a skater or two. I met with my teammates. I analyzed my skills and those of my teammates. I promoted the event, which was not easy for someone with the crippling social anxiety that I sometimes have. I emailed and texted friends. I ordered plus sized fishnets and a pink skirt. I painted my name and number on a swatch of t-shirt that mom sewed to my jersey. I made special panties with my team name on them. I put googly eyes on my helmet (if you watched the recent SNL with host Christopher Walken you'll get that). I helped set the track up until I was too sleepy to continue. I had the nervous poops. I pushed water. I showed up at the venue early, driving around the neighborhood so I wouldn't be TOO early.

So it began.

I was nervous up until we did our warm up laps, at that point all nervousness went away. As one of the weaker (probably the weakest) members of my team I was only in two jams. I'm not at all upset about this. I even told our bench coach that I would go in whenever she wanted but I wanted the win so I would put my ego aside for this event. I tried, I did ok, but I definitely could've done better. We lost by one point, but came from being behind 10+ points in the first period to
swapping lead in the second and third.

After it was all over it was very anticlimactic. Someone told me before it would be just like practice, only we've got costumes and there will be more people in attendance--and it was! I felt like I was nervous for nothing. Afterwards I talked with friends and had pictures taken (this took so long that I didn't help with cleanup and kind of felt like an ass for not helping, but dang it, I hadn't seen some of these folks in years).

Oh, remember the dream I mentioned above? Partially true. In my first jam we were short a skater. No, she wasn't in the penalty box; someone just wasn't paying attention and then the whistle blew and it was too late.

And here comes the sadness. While I don't blame myself at all for a one point loss, I do know that I could've done much better. I know I've done better in practice. No one blamed me, although one brutally honest skater gave me her opinion in a matter-of-fact way. I was not at all offended; in fact, I agreed with her, and was thankful for her honesty.

The after party was all right, I chose not to drink anything but water even though I should've been celebrating. On the way over I was feeling down and knew that to drink would only depress me more. I have a tendency to cry at extreme emotions and it was hard not to cry. I teared up a few times but couldn't really get away to get myself together so if you saw a tear I can assure you it wasn't just me sweating profusely from the hot weather. I cut out early with a teammate and her husband. We ate at a local diner and while we ate by the huge windows we got to see the Fan Fair fireworks--an ending to the evening that made me smile.

I woke up the next morning with the black cloud still over my head. I went to our open skate because I do love a good rink skate. Again, still sad and had to fight back tears when anyone would ask about the night before. I didn't feel like talking about it.

I'm still trying to figure out why I was so sad afterwards. Was it a result of not getting put in enough? No, since I was asked to speak up if I wanted to go in more, and I actually argued to be put in less (hey, I know my abilities and I wanted to WIN). Was it the build up only to have it be more mundane than I thought? Maybe. There's one part that's hard to talk about: after the other team's victory lap the hugs started, and I wasn't in those hugs. I suppose I could've been, but I'm not one to seek out and initiate hugs. Instead, I found my family who gave me hugs and congratulations. My sister even pushed me around the track.

Before this bout all the new girls would talk about the "fire" that they got after their first time. I kept waiting for the "fire" but it never came. Maybe this explains why I was so sad? I'd been with this for a year and a half almost to the date but I still didn't have it. I knew that this would be make or break for me, and it's looking more like a break.

It's sad to put a year and a half into something only to realize that you've not made the progress you intended, and to realize that you may have to just end it. And then it's sadder to realize that you've made a lot of friends in this

endeavor and that to leave means to lose a large chunk of those friends (and don't start with the "they're not really your friends if you lose them when you quit" because that's just unrealistic--when you lose the common thread that keeps you together then you pretty much drift apart).

So my future participation in derby is way up in the air.

Labels: roller derby