There's a dichotomy with me and derby. People keep telling me I'm getting better, and I'm doing just fine, and I should stay with it.

At the same time, the hard evidence doesn't reflect this. I'm not doing better. The stats sheets indicate this. The lineups don't reflect this. I don't mean my b-team status, I actually embrace that and enjoy it (life is easier when you aren't worried about rankings or standings).

I'm actually not upset with the interpersonal dynamics anymore, but i am to the point where I'm questioning why I bother. Oh, there's the obvious--that all my friends are in derby and to leave would be to lose friends. Wait. i've been over this before. I won't bore you with it. i just wish someone would be honest. sometimes I think they encourage me to stay in so they can have a laugh later. someone's got to be the worst, and it looks like that's me.

Please do not mistake this for depression because I'm not depressed. i'm just realistic. i'm happier than I've been in a long time. Why jeapordize my happiness by staying with something i'm not good at? I sucked at running and dropped it (but only after several months of trying).

There are other roles for me in derby that don't involve putting on skates. I'm thinking it's time to explore those options.

I know, you hate reading about derby, but between that and school that's what pretty much monopolizes my thinking and time.

Meanwhile, Flash Dog is here.

Labels: roller derby